Kaot, Hero-for-Hire

Jeeze Kaot where have you been for the last eight months

HOW ABOUT IN MY ARCH-ENEMY’S PRISON CELL AOHGOHAOHGAHGG.

Thanks for, ya know, calling the police, guys.  Dicks.

Also I think my mom disowned me.  Because of evil.

Welp, time to go tell everybody I’m not dead.  It’s going to be such a pain to get my drivers licence back.

A Joke

Why was the evil tree always foiling the superhero’s plans?

He was his Larch-Nemesis!

I want a cape.  I need a cape.  Is wearing a cape while driving a motorcycle illeal?  It should be, because it would look too damn awesome.  Itallics.

Why I do what I do

I woke up. After four long years it was the day I’ve been looking forward to since I was a little tyke. I was graduating college. I had it in my head that once I walked on stage and accepted my diploma that real life would start. I’d finally move out, start partying, start hanging out with people a lot more cooler than me, start getting into exciting adventures and falling in love with a foreign mystery chick and ect. ect. ect. So I went up on stage, received my diploma, and…

That was it. Life barely hiccuped. I stayed at my soul-sucking job, lived with my mom, and spent my weekend nights counting how many times my ceiling fan rotates in a minute ( an average of 250). The only thing that changed was that I was able to sleep in later during the week.

It went on like this for a week. Two weeks. A month. A year.

I woke up. It was 4 years later. Life was coasting along the same speed as ever. All my friends were moving away and starting families, starting careers, starting lives. So I moped. I complained. I whined. I didn’t understand that life isn’t something that just happens, it’s something you have to make happen. I didn’t understand a lot of things. Over time I became very callous and angry at everything. I became a shut-in, which ironically made me more aware of the outside world according to news programs. The economy was falling, crime was on the rise and the world was was just morally bankrupt.

At this time I had made it to “Assistant Manager” at the 24/7 gas station I worked at. I made twelve bucks an hour and got a week vacation every year. It was a dangerously complaint job to have. I was stuck on third shift still, but I didn’t mind. Not like I had anything better to do. I’d get five to six customers on a busy night, so I mostly just lulled around watching our little twelve-inch tv with the bunny-eared antenna on top.

And, how it goes, it was a night like any other; I was watching some late-night talk show host make jokes about our world falling apart and I noticed a cute girl pumping gas at the far end of the parking lot. She was using the “pay-at-the-pump” at the station, so I was grateful that it would save me from an awkward conversation ( I just fall apart mentally when talking to a girl my age, one of the many horrible traits of being a shut-in). She was driving a nice car and was generally well-dressed. I could tell she either had her life straight or she had rich parents.

I continued to give her an imagnary back-story in my head (another weird trait I’d picked up since being a shut-in) until I noticed a large dirty pickup truck pull in behind her. Right off the bat I could tell they were up to no good. Three guys dressed like they were from a bad clichéd 90’s movie got out of the truck and started walking towards the girl, who was oblivious until the goons were right up to her. I looked out through the window, brows furrowed, mind already racing about what to do. I could tell the girl was nervous. She was slowly backing away from the guys, shaking her head. The guys were still edging closer until they completely surrounded the girl. I saw a gleam of sliver in one of the guy’s hands; a knife. I knew something had to be done. I quickly looked around the store to find a makeshift weapon (there was a gun under the counter but it had no bullets and I didn’t want to take any chances). I grabbed an empty wooden milk crate that we used as a stool and sneaked outside.

I creped up behind one of the gas pumps, around fifteen feet where everybody was standing. Nobody noticed me yet. After surveying the situation, only one guy had any noticeable weapons. I could feel parts of my brain that haven’t been used in a long time start to wake up. I decided it would be best to ninja the guy with a knife and secure his weapon, then hopefully the other punks would run away. I dug in my pockets to find something to distract them with. I dug out some loose change. I shrugged to myself and threw them at the truck. On cue, the three punks turned to the right to see what it was. I crept around behind them all then WAM! Mr. Knife Guy fell to one knee, dropping this weapon. I snatched it up and quickly stepped in front of the girl.

The three guys all stepped back and looked at me with both confusion and surprise. I opened up my mouth to say something intimidating. “Raggggh! You guys! You guys get outta here! AHHH!” I said, waveringly and cowardly. The guys backed up slowly until they got in their truck. They quickly pulled out of the parking lot and down the road. I caught their license plate number already by then, though. I turned to the girl, who was shaking, tears rolling down her eyes. “Are you okay?” She nodded slightly. I took her hand and led her inside. I made hot chocolate for her (one of my comfort foods) before calling the police. So they came, we gave our reports, and everybody left. The rest of the night continued normally, although I was a bit paranoid the rest of the night, thinking that the goons would show back up. With friends. And guns. But no, nothing happened. Not until the next night, that is.

The next day was pretty happy. I felt good helping somebody out, kinda like a super-hero or something. I had a tune in my head that I carried around with me that day. Just a happy little ditty that made me smile. I went through the day, and got ready to go back to work.

Pulling in I noticed a fancy sports car pulled in front of the store. As I walked in an older man in a suit was standing by the counter talking to Lloyd, my coworker. He noticed me and reached out his hand. “You must be Kaot Pythe!” he said, smiling pleasantly. “I am, I am” replied. He introduced himself as Stan McGantley, the owner of the biggest used car dealership in town, “McGantley Auto”. It turns out it was his daughter I rescued last night. “You… you saved her life, you know! You are a hero!”

I turned slightly red. “I… I don’t think they would have hurt her; they were just young punks, it’s alright…” Stan shook his head. “Well, in my eyes, you still are a hero”. This went on back and forth for a bit until Stan produced a check out of his front pocket. “It’s really the least I can do, aside from giving you a discount if you ever need a used car or anything…” He handed the check to me. A cool three-thousand. I stared at as Stan was still going on about how I saved his little darling Tara and so on and so on. We said our good-byes and I began working. Lloyd came over to me, nudging me in the side. “Hahah! This super-hero thing pays a lot more than what you make here! You should consider that as a career!” He said it jokingly, but as the night went on it sounded more and more like a good idea; until it sounded like the best idea. A super-hero! In real life! Why not?

So I began planing…

I'm naked more than I would like to admit

And how all great stories should begin:

I leaped back, my towel dropping to the floor. I was naked, body dripping from just showering, my mouth hung open, staring forward. “WHAT… WHAT?” I was at a loss for words. An ugly round creature, the size of a tire, was laying on my bed. No, hovering. It had twenty or so black tentacles on either side, a huge tail shaped like Elvis Presley (young, not old) and two eyes that resembled the googly-eye things that I used to glue onto sock puppets. It spoke to me with a non existent mouth. “I COME FROM A WORLD YOU MAY NOT UNDERSTAND.” “I… I don’t understand!” I said stupidly.

The world was spinning around and around and around. Nothing made sense anymore. Gravity suddenly changed and I crashed up onto the ceiling. Random images filled my head: George Washington and a monkey flying a kite, The Power Rangers fulfilling prophecies laid out in Revelations, Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth engaged in a giant mecha battle.

I closed my eyes and put my hands over my ears, reciting my favorite mantra. “Stay Sane. Stay Sane. Stay Sane.” I opened my eyes again. I was on the ground, standing in front of the creature again. “What did you do to me?” “Er,” the creature began, “sorry about that, our kind communicates with images instead of vocally. Still not used to this talking thing.” The creature had no mouth. The voice appeared to come out of nowhere and bounce all around the room.

“Anyways…” The creature began to hover slowly upwards, resting about eye level. “Human! I need you! Our kind is in danger!”

Of course. He needed help. They always do. Ever since opening up my “Hero for Hire” business, things have been getting more and more strange. It started out normally, helping teenagers with their homework, consoling people them in relationship deals, anything and everything that people could ever ask for. Everything was smooth for a while, until word of my noble deeds spread throughout the lands. That’s when things got weird. Time travelers, cultists, neo-nazis, dogs (I’m not even joking), spirits and all other kind of lifeforms soon flocked to me, asking to help in various affairs. I did them, as long as they caused no harm directly to others. I’ve seen exorcisms, intorcisms, the rise and fall of small nations, the creation of new organisms and various other phenomenons and oddities since I’ve began. But this… this is the first otherworldly client I’ve had. It was only a matter of time, I guess.

But… before I go any farther I am going to tell my origan story, I guess.  That’s… that’s what superheros do, I think.

CRAZY LADY IS TELLING ME TO POST AGAIN and I know not to disobey a lady.  That’s how the beating start.

Wots all this then, 'eh, love?

First post, just testing.  Mic check, one… two… one… two… Is this thing on?